I woke up this morning triggered.
Mornings already the hardest time for me. Morning, and right before sleep. This has never not been the case.
And reasons could range from being socialized early on to traumatic REM states of childhood mntu* unmanaged, to or many other things linked to being puoin, Mi’kmaq, mixed, trans, disabled, etc.
One could worry about it – but if the reason is meant to surface, it will.
So how did I fix it?
I didn’t. It balanced out on it’s own.
I rode my riteous wave, because life goes in cycles.
And I’m mntu*.
*MNTU: the Holy Spirit of everything
I’ve been having cluster migraines, numbness in my hands, and other forms of emotional and energy disturbances, so in addition to Qigong purging, I’ve been grounding down on the anxiety that attempts to rise with my natural life cycles.
This, to some, likely sounds like garble. Even simplified, the practice of following cyclic rhythms is not only denied most Americans (and at the very least, to those living in oppression), but is shamed.
The idea that one’s physical and mental means are mirror to one’s emotional and spiritual state is generally rebuffed as being new age, granola, and other terms used by white supremacy and other colonist tactics make those of us still very much involved and attached to our root heritages incapable of maintaining a healthy, mindful life.
And yet this morning as I canceled clients in a glow of pain and compassion for myself (one of the hardest things for me to attain), I felt what would have been a clawing anxiety dissipate. Grounded back to zero, repeating my personal mantras through meditation, these concerns that I suddenly was a horrid person for having individual, diverse health needs that came before all else, including pulling in needed income, went back to the void from which they came.
“Wela’lin.” (Thank you)
As Mantra Pet proceeds forward, I will be riding my wave, walking my path, respecting my cycles, and doing what I’m meant to. This means continuing to allow colonistic works ideals that I have bought into to the detriment of my and other’s health and cycles to die out. Be zero’d. Go back to the void, instead of being stuck where they do not belong.
I will not worry how my time is spent, it will be spent how it is meant to.
I will not try to fix what is put before me, it will cycle as it is meant to.
I will not tell life I know better, because I designed this as I am meant to.
I look forward to where we are headed
but I will patiently land